Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month

I guess it is fitting to share this month that, immediately after my miscarriage in August, I got pregnant again. Instead of all the conflicting and terrifying emotions I had with my last positive test, I just felt a lot of reservation and like I will believe it when it's real. Every day I woke up thinking, "okay, I'm still pregnant" and took a deep breath. No need to get excited, I wasn't  investing emotion into this pregnancy until it felt right. It was the longest eight weeks. 

We went to a midwife to talk about her managing our care, I planned to ask her a bunch of delivery questions, but instead cried a lot and couldn't even bring myself to think or talk about delivering a new baby. 

On Friday, I noticed some tenderness on my left side that made me worry I might have an ectopic pregnancy. My dr office couldn't squeeze me in for an ultrasound, so I had to go to the ER. Only eight hours later, they confirmed that I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy, which would seem relieving. But the baby didn't measure as far along as I thought I was pregnant. They couldn't find a heartbeat either. I wasn't totally alarmed, because it was only six weeks. It could have been too early to detect.  They took my blood to measure my hormone levels and told me to come back in a few days. 

Today, I found out that the baby is still the same size, there was still no heartbeat, and instead of doubling, my hormone levels only minimally increased. 

I had my breakdown when they brought me into the lab for bloodwork and there was an infant bassinet with baby blankets like Simone was wrapped in. It wasn't even the family/neonatal area. I have no idea what that was doing there. In a blubbering mess, I told the technician she needed to remove it from the room, now. I couldn't be in there with the same infant carrier they placed Simone in when they wheeled her away, knowing we wouldn't see or hold her again. 

So now I feel like maybe this was why I wasn't putting my heart into this pregnancy. I have some decisions to make about how to proceed. I guess I never really gave much thought to how the baby gets out of your body when you miscarry. 

p.s. Universe, what did I ever do to you??