Almost a year

I've been thinking about Simone's upcoming birthday often. It's so complicated. I am grieving for my baby I lost, a lost chance to mother her, to watch her grow and interact with her big sister and brother, to see her find her place in our family, and also for my former self. I am not the carefree, fun, social person I used to be. I know now, more than ever, that i do not have the control that I once believed myself to have over my life. I lived through a horrendous nightmare and there wasn't a single thing I could do to stop it. It's true, I really am a different person now. This grief business changes you forever. I hope that through this I am becoming a better wife and mother, a more compassionate friend and supporter. It's hard to see that, though, when I'm missing my baby so fiercely.