Baby Grover 4.0, 15 weeks

This week, week 15, we went to visit our midwife. Gabriela came with a written list of questions. (When can the baby hear? Can the baby suck its thumb? When can Mama feel the baby? When can I feel the baby move?).

The kids both helped Lindy listen to the baby's heartbeat. At my last visit, we decided to skip listening to the heartbeat. At 10 weeks, I was still within the range of it being normal to not yet find one with the Doppler machines at the office. In an effort to reduce anxiety about not finding it, we just decided to wait. But this time, Lindy found it right away and let us all listen for a long time to that strong little rhthym. 

I was finally able to do some prenatal yoga at home this week. Gabriela saw me and reminisced about how I'd done this yoga when I was pregnant with Simone. I knew I had to wait until she knew, because otherwise my cover would be blown. 

I hope it's something I can keep up because, already, I am starting to get achy and uncomfortable at night. I am also experiencing pregnancy insomnia, something I get with all my pregnancies. 

This week, I have been feeling movements that I am pretty sure are the baby. They are so subtle, almost like a brushing across my uterus. But Wednesday night, during our support group, I felt a definite kick. I am sure they will start coming more regularly very soon. 

I am obviously pregnant now, since forever two people today just asked me when I am due, and not if I was pregnant.

One thing I really regretted about my pregnancy with Simone was not documenting it more. There's not much to remember her by in this internet space. I want to remember and celebrate this pregnancy as much as I can, no matter the outcome. 

Our Rainbow

It was Friday, February 13th.

I awoke feeling such peace and clarity. I had just dreamed that somehow Simone communicated to me that I was pregnant. And with a girl at that.

Before this, I have only had dreams of talking to people about my baby who had died, but never actually communicating with her directly. In my dream, Simone didn't speak to me, I couldn't see her. But, somehow, I felt her presence. Such a gift. 

I was not expecting to actually get pregnant that month. But nevertheless, took my test and I guess I wasn't surprised at all that it was positive after that dream. 

There were so many little glimmers of hope that day that made me think it would be real this time: my dream, I noticed the first flower in the ground cover of Simone's tree that same day. Later, a truck drove by right in front of me and it said, "happy rainbow". Only fitting, since the baby after you lose one is called a Rainbow Baby. 

“It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.” -unknown

That night, I gave Lane a mushy handmade valentine and at the very end snuck in my news. He cried and cried, so  surprised and so happy to be on this journey again. 

I was terrified to tell Gabriela. Simone's death crushed her. She talks about never having her own baby sometimes, because after all the hard work of pregnancy, your baby could die. We decided to wait as long as we could, especially since my last two pregnancies have ended in miscarriages. 

I had been feeling much more queasy than with any other pregnancy, and when I went for my ultrasound at nine weeks, the doctor told me I'd lost a twin. The strange part was that a few weeks prior, Lane said, in amazement at my six week belly, "what if it's twins??"  Now, I have heard this comment at numerous points in each of my pregnancies. But for the first time, I thought, oh my! What if it is twins?? The thought preoccupied me, wondering how I'd get through nights of nursing two babies, what would homeschooling be like juggling two newborn babies, how were we going to situate all those car seats. And, I was in baby counting mode the second the images appeared on the ultrasound screen. I thought maybe I was crazy when I only saw one baby, but was still mindblown when he gave me the news. At the possibility of having had two babies at once, and that, at some level, despite that shock, I already knew I was carrying twins, if only for a little while. 

So, this is my fourth pregnancy in less than one year. One precious baby girl born still, two miscarriages, and then a lost twin. But I'm still carrying this Rainbow Baby of mine. 

 I had heard the heartbeat, had an ultrasound, made it past 12 weeks, and had some good results on blood tests. We decided that, at 14 weeks, it was time to share our news with Gabriela and Easton. 

We all sleep in a gigantic (queen plus full sized) bed in our room, and on the ceiling, there are three glow in the dark stars, one for each of our babies. Well. Lane cleverly thought to add a miniature star next to the three. Gabriela noticed the star immediately, and asked why it was there. When he told her I was pregnant, Gabriela's response was just precious. She uttered at least three consecutive "really?!?!"s, each in higher octaves, and then her eyes filled with tears. She said she was just so happy. Frankly, I was certain she knew. I have a very obvious baby bump and have been wondering why she hasn't asked. She later told me she just thought I was getting fat. Oh, polite child, thank you for not telling me I was getting fat. Gabriela touched my belly, cuddled it, and sang You Are My Sunshine, just like she used to with Simone. 

Easton seemed oblivious to this whole conversation. I didn't think he really knew what was going on. But then he enthusiastically started cheering, "Mama's having a baby!!"  He joined in talking to the baby. He announced he wanted to name the baby Han Skywalker and said to my belly, "baby, we can watch Star Wars with each other". Gabriela promptly informed the baby that there should be no television watching until age 3. Easton said he couldn't wait for the baby to come out so they could play together and build a fort. But we would have to be careful, he said, so the baby doesn't mess up the fort. 

Later that night, Gabriela asked me if I was nervous and if this baby would live. We told her that what happened to us with Simone was very uncommon and that we hope so much that it doesn't happen again. But the truth is, we can't make promises. We just have to do our best to create a healthy environment for this baby to grow in. We are nervous, but we really hope everything will go the way it is supposed to this time. She returned to her excitement but then later cried because she couldn't stop thinking about Simone.

The next morning, Gabriela woke me up to see if I'd thought of any baby names. She just keeps putting her hand on my belly and saying she can't believe we are having another baby. Gabriela has also turned into a walking newspaper. She is telling everyone she knows and comes in contact with. She is completely over the moon about this pregnancy. 

It is refreshing to see such unguarded joy and excitement, but also terrifying. I am so much more aware that it is always possible for something to go wrong. What if they discover something wrong at my 20 week ultrasound, what if something goes wrong at the birth? As much as I wish I could, I can't protect Gabriela from hurt that goes together with such love. I am worried for her. I don't want to see her go through this pain again. I hope so desperately that she doesn't have to. 

I worry for us too, of course. There is no safety zone in this pregnancy. Not at 12 weeks, or after a 20 week ultrasound, or at 24 weeks viability, or at 37 weeks, full term. Not even at 41 weeks, when Simone was born.  But I am trying not to preoccupy myself because I know that whatever happens, I really have no control. It's a hard thing to let go of and release to the universe, but what else can I do? 

I worry that people will feel like, with this pregnancy, we are "fixing" our loss of Simone, that we don't have to worry or talk about or hurt for her anymore. That, obviously, will never happen. But there is so much taboo and discomfort around death in our culture, especially the death of a baby. People already avoid talking about her. A new baby will never replace Simone, but will bring new life, love, and happiness in our home. 

We are cautiously excited, definitely anxious, and trying to take this day by day, hoping for the safe arrival of a healthy, living baby brother or sister this October. 

Simone's Birthday.

I don't know how my amazing midwife captured this photo, but I'm so glad she did. It's a cell phone picture, because in our rush to the hospital, we didn't grab for the camera.

The moment Simone was born. I treasure the love here, so much love.

Simone's birthday weekend was, surprisingly, pleasant. It was full of family time, connecting with each other, just as I'd hoped it would be. 

We decided to spend the day alone, our little family. This was important to me because I felt that we needed to focus on ourselves and not on comforting others in their grief. Gabriela was a little upset about this at first. It was really important to her that we at least invite our midwives, who helped us so much during and after Simone's birth.  My sweet six year old is always surprising me. 

Our dear midwives sent us messages though, letting us know how much they love our family and that they were thinking of us on Simone's birthday. We received flowers and notes, and so many messages of love over the weekend. Here's Simone's flower birthday cake from her Uncle Ian and Auntie Adie.

The days leading up to Simone's birthday were really difficult. I think between Gabriela, Lane and me, we all had some really rough moments. 

I awoke the night before, at just about the same moment my contractions woke me the year before. I really had to pee too, and it took me a long time to gather the courage to do it. To make that trip down my hallway to the bathroom, when I'd done the same exactly a year before, only to discover so much blood, now knowing that was all Simone's blood and likely, the moment she died inside of me. 

I made Lane a special coffee cake that morning. We measured the kids on our growth chart because they all would have gotten measured on Simone's birthday if she'd been alive. We do have her birth measurement on our chart.

That morning, Lane spotted a deer outside while checking out our garden. 

At 1:43 pm, we released a dozen butterflies outside by Simone's tree. Her tree did beautifully this year. We were getting worried that it was completely dormant looking still in March, when all the trees around us were in full bloom. As soon as April started though, our tree began to bloom. After Lane picked two blossoms to press, there was a single blossom left on her tree today. And, when we returned from the nursery to buy new plants, that last blossom had blown away. 

Releasing the butterflies was perfect and beautiful. It was a fun activity for the kids too. They oohed and ahhed over holding butterflies in their hands and gasped as they flew away. Then the butterflies would land on us, and we released some onto Simone's flower cake, where they could enjoy a yummy snack.   

After just spending time together (Lane and I gave Gabriela and Easton manicures and pedicures), building with blocks and reading aloud, we went to the nursery to get some plants for the base of Simone's tree. Easton was so cute at the nursery, he wanted to buy every single plant there. "Oooh, Mama! Let's get this one!!!" He and Gabriela each chose some pants for Simone's tree. We also got some herbs and a couple vegetable starts, and a strawberry plant. The kids helped me plant the flowers while Lane put our other plants into the ground. It was a fitting activity since we started our garden last year a couple days after returning home from the hospital. 

Right before we started planting, we spotted a single ladybug on Simone's tree. 

I made Simone's birthday cake and the kids each got to blow out the candle on one cake. As we lit them, Gabriela started to sing Happy Birthday and wanted to kno why no one else was singing along. Through tears, we all sang together, and all of us but Easton were teary eyed by the end. Easton, having been in this role for a year now, was an old pro. As soon as he saw me crying he gave me a gigantic hug. A minute later he looked into my eyes, and seeing tears still, proclaimed, "you are da best mama!" And hugged me again. They talked about their sister and what she would do if she were here, how she'd probably shove the cake in her mouth messily. I think it's healthy and helpful and definitely sweet to hear them happily imagine what life would be like with Simone alive in our lives. 

Oh, sweet baby, what we would give to have you here. To watch you toddle around, clap your hands, give us slobbery kisses, say your first words, and hear your magical giggle. We miss you so very much and just wish it didn't have be like this. 

Almost a year

I've been thinking about Simone's upcoming birthday often. It's so complicated. I am grieving for my baby I lost, a lost chance to mother her, to watch her grow and interact with her big sister and brother, to see her find her place in our family, and also for my former self. I am not the carefree, fun, social person I used to be. I know now, more than ever, that i do not have the control that I once believed myself to have over my life. I lived through a horrendous nightmare and there wasn't a single thing I could do to stop it. It's true, I really am a different person now. This grief business changes you forever. I hope that through this I am becoming a better wife and mother, a more compassionate friend and supporter. It's hard to see that, though, when I'm missing my baby so fiercely. 

A broken heart

On Thursday while doing her school work, out of nowhere my dear Gabriela looked up to the ceiling, tears in her eyes, and yelled, "I don't have my baby sister!" And she just melted into a mess of deep sobbing and endless tears. Waves of grief hit me, full force out of nowhere sometimes, but I hadn't seen one hit my sweet girl, not yet, not like this. 

We had some emergency cuddles, shared lots of tears, and so much of what she said through those tears surprised me. Not because I hadn't felt those things  before, but because my six year old has. Instead of normal first grade worries, she begs to know why, of all the people in the world, did our baby have to die? She sees children and babies when we go places, and it hurts her heart because she didn't get to keep her sister. She cried and cried about how ready we were for Simone, and how sad it was to put away all her things - the darling clothes we picked out together, her colorful cloth diapers, the baby toys and  books.  Gabriela talked about what kind of big sister she would have been to Simone. How she would have carried her around and played with her, especially at park day with our homeschool friends. 

Gabriela went to the mantle and got out Simone's box from the hospital. She wanted to look at her sister's footprints. She picked up one of the hats simone wore, and cried even more, saying she remembered how she smelled. I asked Gabriela if she wanted to keep looking through the box, because she seemed even more upset as we looked at Simone's things, but she was certain she wanted to continue. She looked at and touched the hair we kept of Simone's. And then we looked through the photos. Gabriela cried about how beautiful her sister's toes and fingers were, she said how perfect she was. 

Oh, my heart was so broken for her, for us. How difficult to comfort my baby when my heart hurts just like hers, and then more to watch her grieve so fiercely for her sister. We talked about it, I told her how grateful I was that she got to meet her sister, and how much it is okay to cry and talk about her feelings. 

Through this all, Easton climbed right on us, desperately trying to hug and kiss away our tears. A year ago, he learned how healing his hugs were, and he hasn't forgotten. 

My baby girl carries so much sadness in her six year old heart. It's hard for me to remember this sometimes. She has so much love for Simone. She won't ever forget her baby sister, or what our family experienced when we all lost a part of ourselves, nearly a year ago. 

Celebrating Simone's Birthday

Simone's birthday is approaching and in honor of her memory, we are asking our friends and family to consider donating a book on grieving or a handprint set to give some comfort to other families facing the tragedy of the death of their newborn children.  I have contacted the hospital where Simone was born to coordinate this effort.  The list of books I have created includes books that have helped our family, books that have comforted members of our SAND (Support After Neonatal Death) group, and books recommended by the hospital. 

Simone isn't here to toddle around, smear cake all over her precious face, or clap her hands as we sing her Happy Birthday.  But, with your help, we can keep her memory alive and help other families at the same time.

I have an ambitious goal of creating 50 packages for bereaved families with books to help them through the loss of their babies.  In addition, I am putting together packages to help parents guide their older children through the loss of a baby brother or sister, because this is another entirely different level of grief.  Explaining that babies die.  Not just any babies, the baby in your family, that you have all been preparing for, and excited about.  It's absolutely heartbreaking.

Please consider purchasing something from Simone's wishlist.  It means the world to us that you are helping her memory stay alive.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/ref=cm_wl_search_1?ie=UTF8&cid=A3BC0D4T8I6P3G

I have also created a group on Facebook with the information here.  Please become a member of our group for more updates on this effort to remember our dear daughter.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/405520526276261/

Easton turns 3

Our fearless kind-hearted Easton Michael turned three years old. Three whole years since I birthed this baby of mine. We had a lovely low key celebration to mark the occasion.

We spent a few hours at the zoo where we all delighted in seeing the baby baboons. Easton just laughed and laughed watching them play.

We were also excited to get an up close view of the lion, who is sometimes hiding completely out of sight. The weather was beautiful, the zoo was practically empty, and we just took it easy, going at the kids' pace. 

After some outdoor play and a quick grocery trip, Easton had his requested birthday dinner of pizza and carrots. We baked a cake, had ice cream, and he enjoyed opening a couple gifts.

He has been asking for an orange garbage truck and was thrilled to receive it. So thrilled, he wanted to bring it to bed with us. After compromising, the garbage truck spent the night on the nightstand. Gabriela happily gave her brother a manicure and pedicure when he asked her too.

I cuddled up with Easton and told him about his birth, how delighted we all were, how he didn't even cry, he just stared at us so inquisitively for what felt like forever. It was a perfect celebration   

Easton loves to help me cook in the kitchen.

As long as he can sit on the counter or stand on a step stool, he is set.  He is starting to write some letters and draw people.

Just the other week, he did this fabulous completely unprompted drawing of a garbage truck with wheels, a garbage man with glasses, a key and the steering wheel, and the garbage can being lifted by "the grabber".  

Easton builds elaborate guns out of Legos every chance he gets and uses them to fight the bad guys like "Dark Vader". He is always "Wuke" and sings the " bad guy ship song" (imperial march ) constantly. Easton has a very detailed imaginary world and does lots of pretend play. He climbs onto wooden posts and rides his horses to the barn. He loves to read and usually (but not always), when it's really quiet I find him in a pile of books. Every day in bed he pretends to be some kind of creature and snuggles up to me making animal sounds and calling me one of the following: mommy caterpillar, mommy ladybug, mommy humpback whale, mommy tiger, and my personal favorite, mommy rancor monster. He loves digging in the dirt, spotting construction vehicles, and daddy's big white truck. 

Easton is really getting the hang of pumping his legs while swinging. He surprised me this week by running after and kicking a soccer ball repeatedly. He definitely has a knack for new physical activities. He is constantly jumping off things a and finding new hills to ride his bike down. 

He is starting to insist on doing things independently. like buckle his car seat, wash his hair, or put on his socks and shoes. This usually happens at inopportune times, but I try my best to give him the time to figure it out. 

I just love when Easton says, "hummy in my tummy" and "ants in my pants, maybe I do the buggy dance" and the other day, while I was rinsing a cup under the sink he informed me that we are having a drought!

He keeps the mood light hearted around here by always asking questions like,  " what would happen if Simone tried to eat my food?" He is always talking about his sister. The other day he informed us that it was actually Simone who unrolled all the toilet paper in the bathroom.  

Easton still doesn't like having his teeth brushed, or getting his hair washed by mama or daddy. He doesn't care for salad, or really just eating at meal times. 

Easton is such a love bug and expert cuddler. He knows how to cheer us all up when we need it. He is such a joy to have in our lives and we love him so dearly. Happy birthday, you sweet three year old.