Meeting Willow

Gabriela was so anxious and nervous about us going to the hospital. We told her the baby probably wouldn't arrive until sometime Tuesday afternoon or evening, so she was shocked when I answered her 7am FaceTime call with a baby in my arms. Poor sweetheart. The first thing she asked me was, "is she alive????" How grateful I was to tearfully answer yes. Easton couldn't wait to get on our call to squeal and say, "hi, Baby!!" over and over again. 

The kids couldn't wait to come visit. They brought us lunch and a birthday cake they baked that morning for Willow. Since she was so tiny, I asked them to bring our newborn sized clothes as well. 

Big brother and sister immediately surrounded their new baby. Easton absolutely squealed with delight. I mean, sounds of supreme cuteness that I had never heard him make before; he was so delighted by his baby sister in all her tiny cuteness. 

Gabriela just needed to hold her sister. She chose a new outfit for Willow, helped dress her and observed a diaper change. We all sang Happy Birthday and enjoyed cake together. 

Easton did not want anyone helping him hold his sister. He was grown up enough to do it himself. 

Gabriela intentionally wore her rainbow shirt to meet our rainbow baby at the hospital. 

Cynthia told me later that Gabriela was having trouble going to sleep the night before. She said she was excited to tell her friends. But that they wouldn't understand. They don't know how scary it is to wait for your new baby when your last baby died. Oh, that girl. She is so invested in this baby sister. She wants to hold her constantly, can't bear to be separated from her, and is extremely protective. She's got a lot of healing to do and I think that Willow is really helping to make that happen. 

Auntie Cynthia somehow snuck in some snuggles between all the big brother and sister love 

After they left, Auntie Liss and Beau came to meet Willow.

Beau, that sweet boy, said Willow is the best and he would always be there for her. 

Uncle Matthew even snuck in a visit, but unfortunately I didn't snag a picture of them together. 

Daddy got his special Willow time too. 

We hurried home as soon as we could. After all, we had a big brother and sister waiting at home for us. 

As we expected, she was not a fan of the ride home. But once we arrived, she was happy to be here, crying much less frequently than at the hospital. 

Gabriela was so excited when Daddy helped her do this:

It eased some of the disappointment at the fact that she was not actually allowed to walk through the house holding the baby. 

Willow Virginia

We had such a difficult time coming up with Willow's name. We didn't actually decide on her name for sure until the morning after she was born. On the one hand, naming each subsequent child seemed to be harder than the last. On the other, I felt like not deciding on a name was a coping mechanism for us. We were so nervous about everything turning out right this time. 

There I was, nearly 40 weeks pregnant, and Lane and I hadn't made any progress on choosing a name. I didn't feel that the names he suggested were the right fit, and he didn't like the ones I suggested. Finally about a week before her due date, we started making individual lists and Willow was on both our lists. We still didn't decide then, but at least we'd made some progress!

I just love the name, but I started to look up the meaning at the hospital to see if that might help us. Willow means slender and graceful. And then I looked up the symbolism of the Willow tree. Here's where I knew we'd found just the right name. 

"The willow tree gives us hope, a sense of belonging, safety and the ability to let go of the pain and suffering we have experienced and grow new, strong and bold. The image of the willow tree is our path to stability, hope and healing."

And then there is this baby's middle name, Virginia. We knew that would be her middle name. Lane's grandma Virginia Chaney died just in August. She was so happy to know we were expecting another baby. She would tell us how she'd prayed for twins, and just couldn't wait for everything to turn out right for us. Grandma Chaney always told us the story of how she cared for her little Laney when he was a baby and no one could get him to eat except her. We always looked forward to hearings her retell this story, and she never failed us. It felt right to honor Grandma Chaney like this. 

So Virginia is Willow's great grandmother's name. It's also the middle name of her other great grandmother, my dad's mom who died years before I was ever born. Auntie Cynthia and Willow share the middle name, Virginia, and it's where Lane and I lived some of our most fun years on the East Coast. So many reasons this middle name is just right for our littlest girl. 

She really is our little girl, smallest of all our babies at 7lbs, 14 oz but just as long as all the rest at 21 1/2 inches. Willow came with a full head of hair, just as we suspected she might. She is the most delicate, slender peanut of them all. Our hearts can take a sigh of relief now that she is home safely in our arms. We love you, Willow Virginia. 

Willow's Birth Story

We left our hospital testing on Monday morning with plans to induce labor that night. Baby Girl's fluid levels were 5.28 cm, and the nurses recommend induction at 5.0 and lower. The ultrasound technician first measured the fluid at 4 something and then retried for the 5.28 reading. We decided it was too close, we didn't want to take any chances and so we'd return that night. 

It was strange because I had been thinking all along the 26th would be the day. It was the night of the full moon, Simone's half birthday, and I woke up that morning full of energy and plans to bake and cook and clean all day long. 

Instead, I went to the grocery store, prepared some snacks for labor, made sure Lane and Cynthia knew when to come home and packed last minute things. 

Gabriela, our little sweetheart, was in tears when we left. She was so scared. I felt awful and Lane and I both cried as we drove away. I tried talking with her before about how this might be a difficult experience, waiting again for the baby to be born at the hospital. But she didn't seem phased in our conversation and I didn't want her to walk away feeling like she was supposed to be worried or nervous. So we just left it at that. 

6:15: 

we were admitted to our labor room. Lane and I set up the room with our decorations, I got out our special blankets, my labor supplies, snacks. 

7:15: I got cervadil to ripen my cervix. My midwife explained that this would be a boring night, the cervadil gel would be placed by my cervix and left there until the morning. The nurse rolled in a cot for Lane so he could sleep, I brought books and games to keep us busy. My midwife left an order for medication to help me sleep, if I wanted. She said occasionally, some people go into labor with cervadil, but it was very rare. She told me I could eat whatever I wanted two hours after the medication was placed. In the morning, I could shower, eat a nice breakfast, and then we would determine if my body was ready for a dose of pitocin. So she placed the medication, noting that I was only a "fingertip" dilated, not even one centimeter. Later, I was shocked when my nurse said inductions can take two to three days sometimes. What were we getting ourselves into??

8:15 About an hour after getting my cervadil, Lane started massaging my legs and pressure points with clary sage essential oil. I started noticing some mild contractions, but they were only slightly uncomfortable.

9:30: Lane left to pick up some dinner from Whole Foods. I was totally fine just hanging out without him, still having very mild but noticeable contractions. 

He returned with dinner and a beer. I took pictures of him with his feet up, enjoying his beer. We talked and ate dinner. But then I started wondering if my contractions were actual labor,  maybe I shouldn't be eating a full meal. 

I was under the impression that this would be a very long process. I didn't even want to start using up my labor tricks because it was so early. I was nervous about how I would handle things once labor actually got going. And that wasn't supposed to be until the next day. 

10:45:  By this time, I was fairly certain I could call what I was experiencing labor. The contractions were coming more frequently and getting stronger. Laying in bed was not going to help my labor progress, so I got up and onto the birthing ball. This was such a relief on my lower back and hips. 

My contractions got even more intense and I started wondering if we should tell Lindy, my midwife. The whole time though, I rolled around on that ball, practiced very deep breathing, reminding myself of all the birth affirmations I had been practicing in preparation for this experience. All the while, I was focused on my rainbow banner, sure to keep my hands and mouth relaxed to encourage the rest of my body to do the same. 

11:30: My contractions intensified even more. I vomitted up my dinner.  My nurse notified my midwife that my contractions were coming one on top of another and were getting even more painful. I had gone from breathing very deeply through contractions to low vocalization, sometimes needing reminders from Lane to slow down my breathing and keep my intonation low. 

11:50: My midwife ordered the nurse to remove the cervadil now, instead of in the morning. My contractions were overworking my uterus, and I needed a break. So the cervadil came out and my nurse informed me that it should take thirty minutes or so for the medication to wear off, that I should notice a decrease in the contractions, that they should start coming less frequently. I was so happy to hear this. I needed a break. There was just no way I'd make it through a long labor at this pace. I waited and waited for those contractions to slow down, but they never did. After she removed the cervadil, I felt like my water was slowly breaking and told the nurse. She didn't think that was it, said it was probably all the gel coming out. It seemed about right to me, after all, I still had a long, long way to go. 

12:20. I decided I needed to get in the water; laboring in water has been really relieving for me in the past, so Lane started drawing me a bath. Suddenly, I felt like I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed to change positions, but I couldn't stand, I couldn't sit, laying down was out of the question, the birth ball would never work.  My legs started shaking, and I felt my body starting to fight the contractions for the first time, instead of welcoming them and working with them as I'd managed to do before. For the first time, I wanted to cry. I told the nurse I needed pain medication. Forget this natural birth business. So she left the room to discuss with the midwife.  As soon as she left, I felt like I had to push, which seemed incredibly ridiculous to me, because here I was, waiting for these contractions to stop. Before I knew it, I was on my hands and knees on the edge of the bed. Lane ran out of the room to tell to the nurses that I felt like pushing. Everyone just looked at him, too, in disbelief. My midwife hung up the phone and raced the hospital. She only lives a few miles away. 

12:30: By the time Lane returned, the baby's head was already out. I remember thinking, oh yes, this is why they call it the ring of fire. Without anyone there to help me, I just tried to slowly birth that baby's head, so as not to tear. 

12:35: The nurse was trying to get her gloves on, but before she could finish, the baby's whole body practically flew out of mine. No one was even there yet to catch her. Thank goodness she landed safely on the bed. 

And my midwife arrived in the room, only moments after our sweet Willow was born. She told me at least she could help me birth the placenta, since I birthed the baby on my own. 

Everyone was shocked by how quickly my labor went, the nurses, my midwife, and definitely Lane and me both. They said they'd never seen anything progress like that before. When my nurse removed the cervadil at 11:50. She said the baby was still very high, and didn't feel at all as though she might be close to arriving, but given how quickly this happened, that probably was my water breaking. 

She also said that at no point during all those back to back crazy, forceful contractions did Willow's heart rate ever go outside of a normal perfect range. This was very uncommon, especially given how rapidly she arrived. Thank you, baby girl, for not giving us extra reason to worry. 

We wonder if the cervadil was that powerful, or if my labor would have started that night anyway, or if the clary sage oil had something to do with it. It's supposed to be very powerful and to make contractions more efficient. 

When she was passed to me, I was immediately struck by how tiny she seemed. 7lbs, 14oz. Our tiniest baby yet! She looks so much like Gabriela, but also has some very Grover features, like her mouth and chin. She has a full head of beautifully long and silky hair. No wonder they could see it on the ultrasounds. 

She immediately started making sucking motions after being placed on my chest and she latched on right away, nursing like a champ. 

It was strange to be back in the hospital on Simone's half birthday, to be laboring again 18 months later to the very day. But we are glad our rainbow baby got her own special day, and so incredibly relieved to have her here safely in our arms.

We can't even express the relief we feel knowing that our baby girl has arrived safely, healthy, and alive. We all just love her to pieces. 

October 25th - 40 weeks today.

Well folks, my due date came and went. I wasn't expecting to have a baby on my due date, to the disappointment of my dad who would have liked to share his birthday with this rainbow baby. 

While Easton was born on his due date, both my girls were about a week late. So I have been expecting something similar this time around. However, I noticed that there is a full moon this week, so maybe baby will come earlier than later. My bets have been on the 26th. But that's today, so we will see. 

Last Wednesday, I had normal hospital testing and my midwife advised that I had a soft cervix, but wasn't dilated yet. I had been hoping to have my membranes stripped at that appointment to help jump start labor, since we are all nervous as each day goes by. 

Saturday was more hospital testing. My fluid level has been going down, but it is normal to decrease, and is still within the normal range. 

The plan is to return to the hospital for more testing on Monday, see the midwife on Tuesday, and go back for more hospital testing on Wednesday. 

My midwife understands our anxiety and has said she will induce me at any time if I decide that's what I want. Although, I am still hoping to go into labor on my own. We will see how long I feel this way. 

I spent my due date cleaning out and organizing my bedroom, since I will likely be living there exclusively for several weeks after the baby is born. After all that work, I was so tired I just napped and rested in my room for the afternoon. It was just what I needed, except that my dear children were making a mess in all the other rooms of the house while I rested. Oh well. 

Now it's 4:30 in the morning. I can't sleep and I am just contemplating at what hour is it reasonable to start cleaning up the kitchen so I can make soup and bake cookies. 

I think this nesting business is kicking in. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 17. Secondary Losses

When your child dies, there are a series of secondary losses that follow. They are different for everyone. The loss of relationships, the loss of innocence, the loss of employment etc. Share about something else that you lost when your child died. This is the perfect way for us to shine a light on the grief experience.

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After Simone was born it was so hard for me to see pregnant ladies. Not just because they were still carrying their living babies, but I was so upset at their happiness and overwhelming joy. Of course I never did, but I wanted to make sure they knew. "Why are you so happy?! Just because you are pregnant, just because you do everything right, doesn't mean you get to bring your baby home!" I wanted to blurt out at them. 

It wasn't just my own loss of innocence, but my sweet Gabriela's as well. I lived naively for 35 years thinking when you get pregnant, you have a baby, and you go home blissfully with that little bundle of joy swaddled in your arms. Gabriela lost that innocence in kindergarten. Not a lesson I was planning on her learning. Ever. 

When my sister gave birth three days after Simone's birth, Gabriela's first question was whether or not her baby lived. Because in our reality, babies don't always live. 

She has informed me that she's never having a baby because you can go through all that hard work being pregnant and preparing and then your baby could DIE?!? No thank you. She says she is adopting, at least that way she would know her baby would be alive. 

When tragedy hits, you really discover who you want at your side, who can't handle being there, and who you don't want to be there. 

Some lovely friends have really shown themselves to be exactly what we need, stepping up at the time we need them most. Others have run away completely from our reality. They don't mention Simone, won't talk about her, and fine by me, have kind of fizzled away. Someone who can't even acknowledge our daughter's existence even when I bring it up in regular conversation is not someone I want or need in my life. 

Gabriela took an art class with one of her cousin's friends and so this 11 or 12 year old boy didn't know us, but he knew what had happened to our family. He came up to me one day, out of nowhere, and said, "I'm really sorry about your baby. That's so sad." What a sweet, kindhearted boy. Gabriela and I had a talk about how much that meant to me, how it's not easy to bring up. And how it's so hard, that some grown ups can't bear to bring themselves to do what this young man had the courage to do. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 16. Creative Grief

There is such a deep-rooted yearning that we feel when our beloved children die. This yearning hurts so bad and yet it also inspires us to get creative to do something beautiful in memory of our children. Have you done anything in memory of your child? Maybe it is something your created for them. A tattoo or a piece of jewellery or artwork. Did you create a garden? Maybe you created an organization or a charity benefit. Maybe you took up a new practice. A new hobby. Writing, painting, dancing, reading. Whatever it is share your mementos.

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Days after Simone died my sister-in-law told me she wanted to get me a necklace with Simone's name and asked me to choose one. I love this one with the heart and laurel leaves. 

Lane got me this bracelet. It's called Beauty in Brokenness. To remind me that, somehow, we will heal from this. We won't ever be the same, but grief comes from love and there is something beautiful about that. 

We planted a cherry tree for Simone days after returning home from the hospital. It waits and waited to bloom this year. Lane and I were beginning to wonder if something was wrong, since it seemed ever other cherry tree was in full bloom. But, sure enough, it bloomed as soon as April began, and the very last blossom of Simone's tree blew away with the wind on her actual birthday. 

And here is a little something I made. Simone's Christmas stocking all the way on the right. She won't ever be able to pull goodies from it or dump it out in wonder on Christmas morning. And I knew this, having sewn it after her death. But it was so important for me to see five stockings hanging up, because even in her absence, we were still a family of five. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 15. Wave of Light

As a wave of light makes its way around the world today, we take some time out to honour and remember our children. It is a day of sacred remembrance and a day of awareness. What does this community mean to you? Where would you be without it? What would you like to see happen in the future for this community? Share your candles of light and hope.

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Lighting some candles tonight in honor of our babies and all the other babies gone too soon, sorely missed, and deeply loved.