Capture Your Grief - Day 12. Normalizing Grief

Often while grieving we have feelings of isolation because we fear judgement that what we are feeling isn’t normal. But it is amazing to see just how many people feel the same way. When others stand up and express how they feel through sharing their experiences, it allows us to say “Hey, I feel that way too!”. Connecting with and communicating our experiences we are able to normalize our grief for ourselves and others. So share something about your grief journey that you might feel is strange or not common. It might be something you do to remember your children or maybe it is something you fear. By sharing these parts of our stories we can educate others on the grief experience. 

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I feel this inordinate amount of pressure that it is my job to keep my family safe. I saw my husband grieving before, and I can't bear the thought of him going through that again. I worry about our kids more, I know awful things can happen no matter what. No matter how well you take care of your people, bad shit happens and sometimes there's nothing you can do to see it coming or to stop it. 

With Simone, I had acupuncture to help get labor going on a Friday afternoon and woke up in labor just shortly after midnight. I sometimes wonder if that acupuncture session brought my labor on more forcefully than it would have begun on its own. Maybe my water wouldn't have broken just where it did, at the blood vessels of Simone's cord. I know it's crazy. I'm sure whatever I might have done that day would have me wondering how differently things would have been if only.  

And now, I feel so strange, being less than two weeks from my due date with this rainbow baby. People keep telling me how excited they are and how they can't wait to hold the baby or see me with the baby and I just don't share in that excitement. I can't. I want and love this baby so badly. They say everything will be just fine this time.  But I know how terribly wrong  everything can go at the last moment. I know nobody can prose that. I'm scared to let myself feel that excitement; it's completely overshadowed by extreme worry. I suppose it's my way of coping, of surviving through this anxious time.