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I've decided to reshare my birth story here. A big giant memory. My first night home from the hospital one of the many times I awoke in tears was out of fear and panic that I would forget the details of the most tragic story of my life. I so desperately wanted to remember and hold onto every last detail. I knew this was the only time I had with Simone, I understood the emotional fog I was living in, and I couldn't bear the idea of losing or forgetting the only time I had with my baby girl. So I wrote it all down the very next day. It tore me apart, yet it was so satisfying to examine the events, the emotions, so soon afterwards. It is an awful, yet beautiful story, but it's mine, it belongs to our family. I felt this immediate, urgent need to preserve it, and I am so thankful that I did.
...
I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions for quite a while, and they seemed to be increasing in intensity, though were still very mild. I knew labor would be coming soon, but it was so hard to know just when.
And then I started trying all the things that seem like Old Wives' Tales when you aren't very pregnant, but suddenly sound totally logical when you are just so ready to have a baby. We ate the "world famous" Preggo Pizza from Skipolini's, ate fresh pineapple, spicy foods, I had acupuncture, we went for long walks, I bounced and swayed on my birth ball, and walked up and down lots of stairs.
It got to the point where I was no longer wondered how our birth would go, nor was I worried about how we would adjust to life after the baby was born, she just needed to come out. I was so done being pregnant, and ready for the next stage. On Friday I had a second round of acupuncture. I could feel Simone moving around all afternoon. Two days before, I had my membranes stripped, and I was 40 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I felt different, like something was going to happen. Just to make sure, I got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed the wooden floors. I showered and started some soup in the crock pot so everyone would have food to eat. I baked some bread, and felt ready to meet our baby girl. That evening, Gabriela and Easton both read stories to their sister in my belly. It was so precious.
Just after midnight, I woke up to a stronger than normal contraction. I felt like this was labor starting, but I needed to relax. And all of a sudden I felt wetness between my legs and it started increasing. I got up to go use the bathroom and was shocked to see my underwear full of blood. Blood was in the toilet, and it just kept coming out. It didn't feel like I was peeing. My water had broken and it was full of blood. I was scared, worried, and surprised. Of course, Easton woke up crying for Mama right then, so Lane was busy comforting him back to sleep.
Immediately I called the midwives and let them know what had happened. They were on their way over. I asked Cynthia to come over to watch the sleepy kids. Karen arrived first. She got my IV ready for the penicillin drip I would need, and tried to listen for the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. I wasn't even worried at all when she couldn't detect the heart beat. I figured the baby was just in a weird position. But then Beah, my other midwife, couldn't find the heartbeat either. It was time to go to the hospital. I didn't know until much later that while we were still at the house, Beah told Lane that she thought we had already lost the baby. Lane was so worried, hurrying around trying to get us out the door and in the car. I told him I didn't want to waste any energy being worried unless I knew we had a reason to worry.
Our midwives both work at Alta Bates Hospital. Karen is a labor and delivery nurse there. Beah has so many connections. She made phone calls on the way. We walked right in, they told us which room to go to, and Karen advised the nurse that she would clock in and take over my care, for which I am so very grateful.
They still couldn't detect the baby's heartbeat with the hospital-grade machines, and ordered a sonogram, so that they could at least see the heartbeat. Soon the sonographer came in with the equipment. I was unable to see the screen, but I saw Beah and Karen's faces. The worried look in their eyes, I saw them holding each other. Lane and I burst into tears before they confirmed what we already knew. Our baby's heart had stopped beating. She was gone. I never could have imagined that this would happen. Never.
Through this all, my contractions starting getting stronger and coming more frequently. I decided that I had enough to sort out emotionally, that I no longer wanted the natural childbirth I had been planning. I got an epidural and pitocin, and then we had a number of other decisions to make while we were still in shock, in an incredible emotional fog. We had to tell Cynthia what was going on, but were nervous about her feeling overwhelmed, especially since she was taking care of Gabriela and Easton. We decided to call Meliss to tell her what was going on, since she was originally going to be at our birth and help with Gabriela. Lane tried to tell her, but how do you say those words out loud, when you can hardly believe that they are true? Beah, who was at Meliss's home birth, took over the call and told Meliss what had happened and asked her to be with Cynthia. Then she called Cynthia to tell her. We needed them both to be strong for our kids. I was so nervous about Gabriela getting up and being excited to meet her sister, only to find out that she was gone.
We told our parents and spent much of my labor in tears, holding each other, unable to believe that this was our reality - that we would not be bringing home the baby girl whose arrival we had so eagerly anticipated. Karen gave me some pain medication that would help me to rest, and Lane had some Benadryll to help him rest. We slept together for a short while in the hospital bed before I woke up feeling like it was about time to push.
Over the next 30 minutes, I pushed out Simone. Apparently, I lost a lot of blood in the process. They placed her on my chest immediately, and I held her and cried and cried. My sweet baby girl, so beautiful but lifeless in my arms.
We originally had a different middle name chosen for her, but after learning of her fate, changed her middle name to Esperanza, which means hope. It is a beautiful name, and a reminder to us that we will make it through this difficult time. Before my Nana was born, her mother had two stillborn babies, both of whom she had named Esperanza. It seemed a fitting, beautiful name for our precious daughter.
The hospital staff were all very tender and helpful. They let us know what had happened. Simone's cord had been pinched at her shoulder. As she started to descend down, the cord pinched, stopping her blood flow and oxygen, and then her heart. Not only this, her cord was positioned at the very edge of the placenta, rather than firmly in the middle. This made it easier for the bloodflow in the cord to pinch. The doctor compared it to a garden hose. She said if it is on securely and on full blast, it's much harder to pinch or bend, and that wasn't the case in this situation. Also, another problem was of course, the amount of blood I lost when my water broke. This suggests that a blood vessel could have ruptured, stopping blood flow to the umbilical cord. She was very sweet and honest and was sure to inform us that there was nothing we did wrong, no choice we made that could have influenced or prevented this from happening. If we had planned a medicated hospital birth, this still would have been the outcome. There is strange comfort that comes from knowing that no matter what, Simone did not have a chance at life.
We had a very hard time deciding whether or not we wanted our family to see us in the hospital. In the end, we decided to give our parents, Simone's grandparents, the option to come in and see her at the hospital. As soon as we let our families know, they started coming. We couldn't have kept them away if we had tried. And, honestly, it was very therapeutic and comforting to have them there to hug, and cry to and love us in our time of complete devastation and despair. It was truly the worst day of our lives, yet so touching and beautiful at the same time.
I felt so terrible, but Lane had to leave to go tell Gabriela in person that her baby sister did not live through the birth. I didn't want him to have to do that alone, but what choice did I have? We decided to give her the option of coming to the hospital to see her. We talked and he wrote down notes while we thought of how and what to say to our daughter, who has done nothing but talk and think and be excited about the arrival of her baby sister.
After he left, Karen gave Simone a bath and cleaned her up so she looked nice for Gabriela. It was then that she also weighed her and I was surprised to see Simone was 9 lbs, 14 oz., 21 1/2 inches long. I had no idea she would be such a big baby! I was even more amazed after learning of her size that I didn't tear at all from her birth, I was hardly swollen and not sore. I think my body knew that I could only handle so much pain and spared me the physical pain of recovering from childbirth.
When Lane got home, he walked inside to see a huge smile on Gabriela's face quickly disappear. He told her what had happened and she cried. She said, "I thought you were just going to tell me something bad happened, not that my sister died!" He was crushed. They cried together, picked out an outfit and hat for Simone to wear. And Gabriela wrote her a note that said, "I have so, so much love for you". And at the house, she asked him if we could celebrate Simone's birthday every year.
She came to the hospital to meet her baby sister. There were moments when she was her normal happy self, curious questioning moments, and very tender heartbreaking moments as well. She wanted to see Simone's whole body. She marveled at her soft skin, tiny but long fingernails, itty bitty toes. She asked why Simone's lips were so dark red, why her skin was peeling, and what would happen to her body. Gabriela asked why we couldn't take her home with us, she held Simone, caressed her little cheeks, hugged her, cried, and said goodbye. She cried and asked what about her crib, and all her diapers and all the clothes she would never wear, and why Simone would never meet her big brother, Easton. It. tore. us. apart.
Simone's Grandma and Grandpa, Uncle Nate and Auntie Liss, Nana and Papa, Auntie Banu and Uncle Matthew, Auntie Cynthia and Uncle Dan, Auntie Kristie, and Uncle Tim, big sister Gabriela and Mommy and Daddy all had the chance to hold her, look at her, and say goodbye. So much love for our baby girl.
My mom said over and over again how much Simone looked like me when I was a newborn. She had the same little nose that Gabriela and Easton have, dainty little lips, and the softest head of hair.
Lane brilliantly asked his parents to go to Michael's to get supplies so we could make baby hand and footprints for Simone. They turned out perfectly. I know we will treasure them always. The hospital took photos of her as well, and sent us home with them. And now I appreciate my belly cast more than ever.
Lane and I stayed overnight in the hospital. We weren't sure if we would at first, but the kids were happy to sleep overnight with their cousins. The hospital staff said we could spend as much time with Simone as we wanted. But around 12:30 in the morning, we decided it was time to ask them to take her away. It was a very difficult thing to do, but we had already noticed her body change so much in less than 12 hours. Truthfully, we weren't sure we could handle what she might look like in the morning, and wanted to remember her the way she was. We told her how much we loved her, how we would have taken such good care of her, how she would always be our baby, and how terribly sorry we were that this had happened to her, to our family. But how hard it was to ask someone to take her little body away. No one should ever have to do that.
Lane and I spent the night cuddled up together in that tiny hospital bed, crying. It was helpful to take the time to grieve for her, just the two of us. We are surrounded by so much love in each other, our beautiful perfect children, an amazing selfless and giving family, and wonderfully supportive friends. We have to focus on these blessings in our lives and put everything into perspective. We know that this will help us to love each other more, to be more patient with our children and to truly appreciate every moment we have with them.
It's like this is our gift from Simone.
And then I started trying all the things that seem like Old Wives' Tales when you aren't very pregnant, but suddenly sound totally logical when you are just so ready to have a baby. We ate the "world famous" Preggo Pizza from Skipolini's, ate fresh pineapple, spicy foods, I had acupuncture, we went for long walks, I bounced and swayed on my birth ball, and walked up and down lots of stairs.
It got to the point where I was no longer wondered how our birth would go, nor was I worried about how we would adjust to life after the baby was born, she just needed to come out. I was so done being pregnant, and ready for the next stage. On Friday I had a second round of acupuncture. I could feel Simone moving around all afternoon. Two days before, I had my membranes stripped, and I was 40 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I felt different, like something was going to happen. Just to make sure, I got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed the wooden floors. I showered and started some soup in the crock pot so everyone would have food to eat. I baked some bread, and felt ready to meet our baby girl. That evening, Gabriela and Easton both read stories to their sister in my belly. It was so precious.
Just after midnight, I woke up to a stronger than normal contraction. I felt like this was labor starting, but I needed to relax. And all of a sudden I felt wetness between my legs and it started increasing. I got up to go use the bathroom and was shocked to see my underwear full of blood. Blood was in the toilet, and it just kept coming out. It didn't feel like I was peeing. My water had broken and it was full of blood. I was scared, worried, and surprised. Of course, Easton woke up crying for Mama right then, so Lane was busy comforting him back to sleep.
Immediately I called the midwives and let them know what had happened. They were on their way over. I asked Cynthia to come over to watch the sleepy kids. Karen arrived first. She got my IV ready for the penicillin drip I would need, and tried to listen for the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. I wasn't even worried at all when she couldn't detect the heart beat. I figured the baby was just in a weird position. But then Beah, my other midwife, couldn't find the heartbeat either. It was time to go to the hospital. I didn't know until much later that while we were still at the house, Beah told Lane that she thought we had already lost the baby. Lane was so worried, hurrying around trying to get us out the door and in the car. I told him I didn't want to waste any energy being worried unless I knew we had a reason to worry.
Our midwives both work at Alta Bates Hospital. Karen is a labor and delivery nurse there. Beah has so many connections. She made phone calls on the way. We walked right in, they told us which room to go to, and Karen advised the nurse that she would clock in and take over my care, for which I am so very grateful.
They still couldn't detect the baby's heartbeat with the hospital-grade machines, and ordered a sonogram, so that they could at least see the heartbeat. Soon the sonographer came in with the equipment. I was unable to see the screen, but I saw Beah and Karen's faces. The worried look in their eyes, I saw them holding each other. Lane and I burst into tears before they confirmed what we already knew. Our baby's heart had stopped beating. She was gone. I never could have imagined that this would happen. Never.
Through this all, my contractions starting getting stronger and coming more frequently. I decided that I had enough to sort out emotionally, that I no longer wanted the natural childbirth I had been planning. I got an epidural and pitocin, and then we had a number of other decisions to make while we were still in shock, in an incredible emotional fog. We had to tell Cynthia what was going on, but were nervous about her feeling overwhelmed, especially since she was taking care of Gabriela and Easton. We decided to call Meliss to tell her what was going on, since she was originally going to be at our birth and help with Gabriela. Lane tried to tell her, but how do you say those words out loud, when you can hardly believe that they are true? Beah, who was at Meliss's home birth, took over the call and told Meliss what had happened and asked her to be with Cynthia. Then she called Cynthia to tell her. We needed them both to be strong for our kids. I was so nervous about Gabriela getting up and being excited to meet her sister, only to find out that she was gone.
We told our parents and spent much of my labor in tears, holding each other, unable to believe that this was our reality - that we would not be bringing home the baby girl whose arrival we had so eagerly anticipated. Karen gave me some pain medication that would help me to rest, and Lane had some Benadryll to help him rest. We slept together for a short while in the hospital bed before I woke up feeling like it was about time to push.
Over the next 30 minutes, I pushed out Simone. Apparently, I lost a lot of blood in the process. They placed her on my chest immediately, and I held her and cried and cried. My sweet baby girl, so beautiful but lifeless in my arms.
We originally had a different middle name chosen for her, but after learning of her fate, changed her middle name to Esperanza, which means hope. It is a beautiful name, and a reminder to us that we will make it through this difficult time. Before my Nana was born, her mother had two stillborn babies, both of whom she had named Esperanza. It seemed a fitting, beautiful name for our precious daughter.
The hospital staff were all very tender and helpful. They let us know what had happened. Simone's cord had been pinched at her shoulder. As she started to descend down, the cord pinched, stopping her blood flow and oxygen, and then her heart. Not only this, her cord was positioned at the very edge of the placenta, rather than firmly in the middle. This made it easier for the bloodflow in the cord to pinch. The doctor compared it to a garden hose. She said if it is on securely and on full blast, it's much harder to pinch or bend, and that wasn't the case in this situation. Also, another problem was of course, the amount of blood I lost when my water broke. This suggests that a blood vessel could have ruptured, stopping blood flow to the umbilical cord. She was very sweet and honest and was sure to inform us that there was nothing we did wrong, no choice we made that could have influenced or prevented this from happening. If we had planned a medicated hospital birth, this still would have been the outcome. There is strange comfort that comes from knowing that no matter what, Simone did not have a chance at life.
We had a very hard time deciding whether or not we wanted our family to see us in the hospital. In the end, we decided to give our parents, Simone's grandparents, the option to come in and see her at the hospital. As soon as we let our families know, they started coming. We couldn't have kept them away if we had tried. And, honestly, it was very therapeutic and comforting to have them there to hug, and cry to and love us in our time of complete devastation and despair. It was truly the worst day of our lives, yet so touching and beautiful at the same time.
I felt so terrible, but Lane had to leave to go tell Gabriela in person that her baby sister did not live through the birth. I didn't want him to have to do that alone, but what choice did I have? We decided to give her the option of coming to the hospital to see her. We talked and he wrote down notes while we thought of how and what to say to our daughter, who has done nothing but talk and think and be excited about the arrival of her baby sister.
After he left, Karen gave Simone a bath and cleaned her up so she looked nice for Gabriela. It was then that she also weighed her and I was surprised to see Simone was 9 lbs, 14 oz., 21 1/2 inches long. I had no idea she would be such a big baby! I was even more amazed after learning of her size that I didn't tear at all from her birth, I was hardly swollen and not sore. I think my body knew that I could only handle so much pain and spared me the physical pain of recovering from childbirth.
When Lane got home, he walked inside to see a huge smile on Gabriela's face quickly disappear. He told her what had happened and she cried. She said, "I thought you were just going to tell me something bad happened, not that my sister died!" He was crushed. They cried together, picked out an outfit and hat for Simone to wear. And Gabriela wrote her a note that said, "I have so, so much love for you". And at the house, she asked him if we could celebrate Simone's birthday every year.
She came to the hospital to meet her baby sister. There were moments when she was her normal happy self, curious questioning moments, and very tender heartbreaking moments as well. She wanted to see Simone's whole body. She marveled at her soft skin, tiny but long fingernails, itty bitty toes. She asked why Simone's lips were so dark red, why her skin was peeling, and what would happen to her body. Gabriela asked why we couldn't take her home with us, she held Simone, caressed her little cheeks, hugged her, cried, and said goodbye. She cried and asked what about her crib, and all her diapers and all the clothes she would never wear, and why Simone would never meet her big brother, Easton. It. tore. us. apart.
Simone's Grandma and Grandpa, Uncle Nate and Auntie Liss, Nana and Papa, Auntie Banu and Uncle Matthew, Auntie Cynthia and Uncle Dan, Auntie Kristie, and Uncle Tim, big sister Gabriela and Mommy and Daddy all had the chance to hold her, look at her, and say goodbye. So much love for our baby girl.
My mom said over and over again how much Simone looked like me when I was a newborn. She had the same little nose that Gabriela and Easton have, dainty little lips, and the softest head of hair.
Lane brilliantly asked his parents to go to Michael's to get supplies so we could make baby hand and footprints for Simone. They turned out perfectly. I know we will treasure them always. The hospital took photos of her as well, and sent us home with them. And now I appreciate my belly cast more than ever.
Lane and I stayed overnight in the hospital. We weren't sure if we would at first, but the kids were happy to sleep overnight with their cousins. The hospital staff said we could spend as much time with Simone as we wanted. But around 12:30 in the morning, we decided it was time to ask them to take her away. It was a very difficult thing to do, but we had already noticed her body change so much in less than 12 hours. Truthfully, we weren't sure we could handle what she might look like in the morning, and wanted to remember her the way she was. We told her how much we loved her, how we would have taken such good care of her, how she would always be our baby, and how terribly sorry we were that this had happened to her, to our family. But how hard it was to ask someone to take her little body away. No one should ever have to do that.
Lane and I spent the night cuddled up together in that tiny hospital bed, crying. It was helpful to take the time to grieve for her, just the two of us. We are surrounded by so much love in each other, our beautiful perfect children, an amazing selfless and giving family, and wonderfully supportive friends. We have to focus on these blessings in our lives and put everything into perspective. We know that this will help us to love each other more, to be more patient with our children and to truly appreciate every moment we have with them.
It's like this is our gift from Simone.
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