Capture Your Grief - Day 17. Secondary Losses

When your child dies, there are a series of secondary losses that follow. They are different for everyone. The loss of relationships, the loss of innocence, the loss of employment etc. Share about something else that you lost when your child died. This is the perfect way for us to shine a light on the grief experience.

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After Simone was born it was so hard for me to see pregnant ladies. Not just because they were still carrying their living babies, but I was so upset at their happiness and overwhelming joy. Of course I never did, but I wanted to make sure they knew. "Why are you so happy?! Just because you are pregnant, just because you do everything right, doesn't mean you get to bring your baby home!" I wanted to blurt out at them. 

It wasn't just my own loss of innocence, but my sweet Gabriela's as well. I lived naively for 35 years thinking when you get pregnant, you have a baby, and you go home blissfully with that little bundle of joy swaddled in your arms. Gabriela lost that innocence in kindergarten. Not a lesson I was planning on her learning. Ever. 

When my sister gave birth three days after Simone's birth, Gabriela's first question was whether or not her baby lived. Because in our reality, babies don't always live. 

She has informed me that she's never having a baby because you can go through all that hard work being pregnant and preparing and then your baby could DIE?!? No thank you. She says she is adopting, at least that way she would know her baby would be alive. 

When tragedy hits, you really discover who you want at your side, who can't handle being there, and who you don't want to be there. 

Some lovely friends have really shown themselves to be exactly what we need, stepping up at the time we need them most. Others have run away completely from our reality. They don't mention Simone, won't talk about her, and fine by me, have kind of fizzled away. Someone who can't even acknowledge our daughter's existence even when I bring it up in regular conversation is not someone I want or need in my life. 

Gabriela took an art class with one of her cousin's friends and so this 11 or 12 year old boy didn't know us, but he knew what had happened to our family. He came up to me one day, out of nowhere, and said, "I'm really sorry about your baby. That's so sad." What a sweet, kindhearted boy. Gabriela and I had a talk about how much that meant to me, how it's not easy to bring up. And how it's so hard, that some grown ups can't bear to bring themselves to do what this young man had the courage to do.