Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month

I guess it is fitting to share this month that, immediately after my miscarriage in August, I got pregnant again. Instead of all the conflicting and terrifying emotions I had with my last positive test, I just felt a lot of reservation and like I will believe it when it's real. Every day I woke up thinking, "okay, I'm still pregnant" and took a deep breath. No need to get excited, I wasn't  investing emotion into this pregnancy until it felt right. It was the longest eight weeks. 

We went to a midwife to talk about her managing our care, I planned to ask her a bunch of delivery questions, but instead cried a lot and couldn't even bring myself to think or talk about delivering a new baby. 

On Friday, I noticed some tenderness on my left side that made me worry I might have an ectopic pregnancy. My dr office couldn't squeeze me in for an ultrasound, so I had to go to the ER. Only eight hours later, they confirmed that I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy, which would seem relieving. But the baby didn't measure as far along as I thought I was pregnant. They couldn't find a heartbeat either. I wasn't totally alarmed, because it was only six weeks. It could have been too early to detect.  They took my blood to measure my hormone levels and told me to come back in a few days. 

Today, I found out that the baby is still the same size, there was still no heartbeat, and instead of doubling, my hormone levels only minimally increased. 

I had my breakdown when they brought me into the lab for bloodwork and there was an infant bassinet with baby blankets like Simone was wrapped in. It wasn't even the family/neonatal area. I have no idea what that was doing there. In a blubbering mess, I told the technician she needed to remove it from the room, now. I couldn't be in there with the same infant carrier they placed Simone in when they wheeled her away, knowing we wouldn't see or hold her again. 

So now I feel like maybe this was why I wasn't putting my heart into this pregnancy. I have some decisions to make about how to proceed. I guess I never really gave much thought to how the baby gets out of your body when you miscarry. 

p.s. Universe, what did I ever do to you??

Capture your grief day 4: now

Now.

Now, the question, "how are you?" Is so complicated. How can I ever be okay, fine, or even good?

Now, I have so much anxiety being around people who don't know about Simone. I nervously await the "how many kids do you have?" question with no idea how I will answer. 

Now, I have a really hard time being around my nephew, born 3 days after Simone. I have a niece who was born a couple months after Simone. I am still not ready to be around a baby girl. 

Now, I worry so much. If Lane comes home late from work, I wonder if something terrible has happened to him. 

Now, I don't have the energy to engage in small talk. I feel like I am expected to be "better" or that some people have forgotten. 

Now, I try to appreciate my family that much more. I try to be extra patient and kind with my living children, but I sometimes fail miserably. 

Now, I understand how complicated grief really is. 

Capture your grief day 3: before

 

Before Simone was born, we were all so happy and eagerly awaiting her arrival. I thought we were anxious then, but really it was just excitement. 

I was never worried for a moment. Not about my labor, not about our planned Homebirth, or how we would adjust to life as a family of five. I just figured everything would organically come together. 

I never thought for a moment that we might not bring our baby home, that she would die. Because who does that happen to, anyway??? Nobody, well certainly not me or my precious family. 

So here we are before. Happy, carefree, excited at our midwife's office. When my kids checked for their baby sister's heartbeat, never considering that it might not be there. Before I had to explain to my five year old why we didn't get to bring her baby sister home. Before we all lost our innocence and learned that truly terrible things happen, that what was supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives turned out, in fact, to be the very worst. 

Capture your grief: day 2 Heart

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss month. I decided to do my best to participate in a grieving project this month. 

Today's subject is the heart, my stillborn baby Simone in my heart. She had a face just like Easton's, and hair just like Gabriela's. She was, by far, my largest baby born at 9lbs, 14oz. And she lost a lot of blood and didn't nurse at all. Had she been born alive, she easily would have weighed in at over 10 lbs. 

I always imagined her having dimples like her brother and sister and perfect  ringlets like Gabriela. She was going to be the easiest, happiest baby as the third child is usually destined to become. I pictured her constantly in a baby carrier of one kind or another at park day, while I prepared meals, during homeschool lessons. Her brother and sister were going to dote over her constantly, treating her like their own living baby doll. 

I remember feeling her move like crazy that Friday afternoon before she was born. I knew she was coming, but never in my worst nightmares could I have ever imagined that her heart would stop beating as my labor started. My beautiful, healthy, perfect baby died inside of my body, before I could birth her, before  I had a chance to look into her eyes, before she ever met her proud and excited big brother and sister or felt the safety of her daddy's arms.

My heart has most certainly been shattered. I scramble to find all the pieces and figure out how they all fit back together. But the truth is, they will never fit back like before, I am a different person than I was before Simone died. I will never be the same, and always a little broken.