Capture your grief day 4: now

Now.

Now, the question, "how are you?" Is so complicated. How can I ever be okay, fine, or even good?

Now, I have so much anxiety being around people who don't know about Simone. I nervously await the "how many kids do you have?" question with no idea how I will answer. 

Now, I have a really hard time being around my nephew, born 3 days after Simone. I have a niece who was born a couple months after Simone. I am still not ready to be around a baby girl. 

Now, I worry so much. If Lane comes home late from work, I wonder if something terrible has happened to him. 

Now, I don't have the energy to engage in small talk. I feel like I am expected to be "better" or that some people have forgotten. 

Now, I try to appreciate my family that much more. I try to be extra patient and kind with my living children, but I sometimes fail miserably. 

Now, I understand how complicated grief really is.