October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss month. I decided to do my best to participate in a grieving project this month. Today's subject is the heart, my stillborn baby Simone in my heart. She had a face just like Easton's, and hair just like Gabriela's. She was, by far, my largest baby born at 9lbs, 14oz. And she lost a lot of blood and didn't nurse at all. Had she been born alive, she easily would have weighed in at over 10 lbs.
I always imagined her having dimples like her brother and sister and perfect ringlets like Gabriela. She was going to be the easiest, happiest baby as the third child is usually destined to become. I pictured her constantly in a baby carrier of one kind or another at park day, while I prepared meals, during homeschool lessons. Her brother and sister were going to dote over her constantly, treating her like their own living baby doll.
I remember feeling her move like crazy that Friday afternoon before she was born. I knew she was coming, but never in my worst nightmares could I have ever imagined that her heart would stop beating as my labor started. My beautiful, healthy, perfect baby died inside of my body, before I could birth her, before I had a chance to look into her eyes, before she ever met her proud and excited big brother and sister or felt the safety of her daddy's arms.
My heart has most certainly been shattered. I scramble to find all the pieces and figure out how they all fit back together. But the truth is, they will never fit back like before, I am a different person than I was before Simone died. I will never be the same, and always a little broken.
1 comment:
{Hugs} You are such a strong woman to be able to brave your way through each day.
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