More on Simone's donation drive

Here's the link to the newspaper article that was in today's paper. G was very excited about our family being FAMOUS!! She's been telling all her friends.

http://www.insidebayarea.com/breaking-news/ci_28126424/el-sobrante-couple-channels-grief-from-childs-stillborn

Easton's Half Birthday

May 12th again, and that means it's Easton's half birthday. My big boy is now officially 3 1/2!

Easton has managed to learn how to do a whole row of monkey bars on his own. 

I think he is going through a growth spurt, because he's been napping much more often, all of a sudden. 

Easton loves "underdog" pushes on the swings, building elaborate train tracks, speeding around on his balance bike, and of course Star Wars. He loves Legos, mostly just builds guns for Star Wars battles. Easton adores the chickens, especially his chick that he named Dark Vader, although they seem pretty terrified of him. He insists on joining me to give the chickens their food scraps every day. He adores playing in Daddy's truck and doing projects with daddy, especially if it involves hammers or drills. 

Easton enjoys eating homemade date balls, pizza, pesto, carrots, seaweed and sardines, and any kind of fruit. 

If it's really quiet, I can usually find Easton reading a pile of books. He has several books that he has memorized and is very proud of himself for being able to read them. Easton has also had some "kindergarten" lessons led by his big sister. Because of these, he will tell you that George Washington is on the dollar bill and was the first president. He knows that zero plus any number is that same number. Easton likes to put out eight fingers and say "mommy, Dis eight legs??" He likes to recite Jack and Jill and will sing Make New Friends and the days of the week song. 

Thank goodness he is still my little love bug. When Easton is tired he wants to snuggle. He asks for his Mama Skin and nestles into my neck and chest. Just this morning, Easton woke up, got closer to me, said, "you're da best mama. Best mommy." And then snuggled up and fell back to sleep. Yesterday as I cried at our donation drop off, Easton climbed into my arms to hug and kiss me, just like he has done so many times over the past year. 

He is a daredevil, supreme tree climber, cuddler extraordinaire, expert chicken chaser, lover of all books, potty humor enthusiast, and basically just a great kid to have and love every single day. Sure he has his three year old moments of defiance, gives me a run for my money at tooth brushing time, and wants to eat anytime but meal time.  But I wouldn't have it any other way. Easton Michael, thank you for being such a sweetheart. Your mama loves you so very much. 

All tuckered out. It's hard work being three and a half!

Simone's Donation Drive

Today our family went to the hospital where Simone was born to drop off our donations. 354 books, 52 handprint kits, over $4,900 worth of items.

I was so glad Lane was able to sneak away from work to join us. It was really important for me that we all be there. 

By the time I got to the room, the staff had already arranged all our packages so beautifully. They looked amazing all set up. They had refreshments, some flowers for me, and I brought a picture of Simone and one of her footprints to display. 

Gabriela asked me if any babies would die today at the hospital. I told her I sure hoped not. But whenever that does happen, the family will get a package from our friends and family. 

The nurses were in awe of our donation. Gabriela asked if anyone had ever donated items like this before, something I never would have thought to ask. We learned that we were the first. They said some people had made financial contributions before, but nothing like this.

I am so glad we brought our kids. They mostly played and ate as many cookies as their hearts desired. But Gabriela talked with some of the nurses about her sister, how she felt right after Simone was born, and I just hope that they will remember what we did today, be proud of their participation, and know that we helped lots of families in honor of Simone.  

The hospital had their public relations person there, a photographer, and a reporter from the Oakland Tribune. It will be interesting to see what stories unfold from this. I am happy to share our story if it brings more awareness, support, and compassion to other families living through the loss of their babies. 

It was very moving and meaningful to share our story, talk about Simone, and know that, though her life was so short, through her we are giving hope to other families experiencing this tragic loss. Just like her name, Simone Esperanza. 

Happy birthday, baby girl. 

Nurses, social workers, a chaplain, and even the head of the neonatal department were all there to thank us and be a part of accepting our donation. 

They are all making a plan for how to work more closely together, ensuring that  all families who could benefit from these resources have access to them. I have also offered to give them a list of updated resources, so that information can be shared as well. 

The staff is all rooting for is with this pregnancy, and have asked that we let them know when we are back, so that they may visit us and our new baby. 

Being there at the hospital to do something positive, something so meaningful, really felt amazing. It gives me peace about returning there to birth another baby, knowing that my last experience wasn't tragic and heartbreaking, but really a gift. I didn't expect that at all. I am so grateful that, at least now, I don't feel anxiety or fear about returning to have another baby. 

Baby Grover 4.0, 15 weeks

This week, week 15, we went to visit our midwife. Gabriela came with a written list of questions. (When can the baby hear? Can the baby suck its thumb? When can Mama feel the baby? When can I feel the baby move?).

The kids both helped Lindy listen to the baby's heartbeat. At my last visit, we decided to skip listening to the heartbeat. At 10 weeks, I was still within the range of it being normal to not yet find one with the Doppler machines at the office. In an effort to reduce anxiety about not finding it, we just decided to wait. But this time, Lindy found it right away and let us all listen for a long time to that strong little rhthym. 

I was finally able to do some prenatal yoga at home this week. Gabriela saw me and reminisced about how I'd done this yoga when I was pregnant with Simone. I knew I had to wait until she knew, because otherwise my cover would be blown. 

I hope it's something I can keep up because, already, I am starting to get achy and uncomfortable at night. I am also experiencing pregnancy insomnia, something I get with all my pregnancies. 

This week, I have been feeling movements that I am pretty sure are the baby. They are so subtle, almost like a brushing across my uterus. But Wednesday night, during our support group, I felt a definite kick. I am sure they will start coming more regularly very soon. 

I am obviously pregnant now, since forever two people today just asked me when I am due, and not if I was pregnant.

One thing I really regretted about my pregnancy with Simone was not documenting it more. There's not much to remember her by in this internet space. I want to remember and celebrate this pregnancy as much as I can, no matter the outcome. 

Our Rainbow

It was Friday, February 13th.

I awoke feeling such peace and clarity. I had just dreamed that somehow Simone communicated to me that I was pregnant. And with a girl at that.

Before this, I have only had dreams of talking to people about my baby who had died, but never actually communicating with her directly. In my dream, Simone didn't speak to me, I couldn't see her. But, somehow, I felt her presence. Such a gift. 

I was not expecting to actually get pregnant that month. But nevertheless, took my test and I guess I wasn't surprised at all that it was positive after that dream. 

There were so many little glimmers of hope that day that made me think it would be real this time: my dream, I noticed the first flower in the ground cover of Simone's tree that same day. Later, a truck drove by right in front of me and it said, "happy rainbow". Only fitting, since the baby after you lose one is called a Rainbow Baby. 

“It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.” -unknown

That night, I gave Lane a mushy handmade valentine and at the very end snuck in my news. He cried and cried, so  surprised and so happy to be on this journey again. 

I was terrified to tell Gabriela. Simone's death crushed her. She talks about never having her own baby sometimes, because after all the hard work of pregnancy, your baby could die. We decided to wait as long as we could, especially since my last two pregnancies have ended in miscarriages. 

I had been feeling much more queasy than with any other pregnancy, and when I went for my ultrasound at nine weeks, the doctor told me I'd lost a twin. The strange part was that a few weeks prior, Lane said, in amazement at my six week belly, "what if it's twins??"  Now, I have heard this comment at numerous points in each of my pregnancies. But for the first time, I thought, oh my! What if it is twins?? The thought preoccupied me, wondering how I'd get through nights of nursing two babies, what would homeschooling be like juggling two newborn babies, how were we going to situate all those car seats. And, I was in baby counting mode the second the images appeared on the ultrasound screen. I thought maybe I was crazy when I only saw one baby, but was still mindblown when he gave me the news. At the possibility of having had two babies at once, and that, at some level, despite that shock, I already knew I was carrying twins, if only for a little while. 

So, this is my fourth pregnancy in less than one year. One precious baby girl born still, two miscarriages, and then a lost twin. But I'm still carrying this Rainbow Baby of mine. 

 I had heard the heartbeat, had an ultrasound, made it past 12 weeks, and had some good results on blood tests. We decided that, at 14 weeks, it was time to share our news with Gabriela and Easton. 

We all sleep in a gigantic (queen plus full sized) bed in our room, and on the ceiling, there are three glow in the dark stars, one for each of our babies. Well. Lane cleverly thought to add a miniature star next to the three. Gabriela noticed the star immediately, and asked why it was there. When he told her I was pregnant, Gabriela's response was just precious. She uttered at least three consecutive "really?!?!"s, each in higher octaves, and then her eyes filled with tears. She said she was just so happy. Frankly, I was certain she knew. I have a very obvious baby bump and have been wondering why she hasn't asked. She later told me she just thought I was getting fat. Oh, polite child, thank you for not telling me I was getting fat. Gabriela touched my belly, cuddled it, and sang You Are My Sunshine, just like she used to with Simone. 

Easton seemed oblivious to this whole conversation. I didn't think he really knew what was going on. But then he enthusiastically started cheering, "Mama's having a baby!!"  He joined in talking to the baby. He announced he wanted to name the baby Han Skywalker and said to my belly, "baby, we can watch Star Wars with each other". Gabriela promptly informed the baby that there should be no television watching until age 3. Easton said he couldn't wait for the baby to come out so they could play together and build a fort. But we would have to be careful, he said, so the baby doesn't mess up the fort. 

Later that night, Gabriela asked me if I was nervous and if this baby would live. We told her that what happened to us with Simone was very uncommon and that we hope so much that it doesn't happen again. But the truth is, we can't make promises. We just have to do our best to create a healthy environment for this baby to grow in. We are nervous, but we really hope everything will go the way it is supposed to this time. She returned to her excitement but then later cried because she couldn't stop thinking about Simone.

The next morning, Gabriela woke me up to see if I'd thought of any baby names. She just keeps putting her hand on my belly and saying she can't believe we are having another baby. Gabriela has also turned into a walking newspaper. She is telling everyone she knows and comes in contact with. She is completely over the moon about this pregnancy. 

It is refreshing to see such unguarded joy and excitement, but also terrifying. I am so much more aware that it is always possible for something to go wrong. What if they discover something wrong at my 20 week ultrasound, what if something goes wrong at the birth? As much as I wish I could, I can't protect Gabriela from hurt that goes together with such love. I am worried for her. I don't want to see her go through this pain again. I hope so desperately that she doesn't have to. 

I worry for us too, of course. There is no safety zone in this pregnancy. Not at 12 weeks, or after a 20 week ultrasound, or at 24 weeks viability, or at 37 weeks, full term. Not even at 41 weeks, when Simone was born.  But I am trying not to preoccupy myself because I know that whatever happens, I really have no control. It's a hard thing to let go of and release to the universe, but what else can I do? 

I worry that people will feel like, with this pregnancy, we are "fixing" our loss of Simone, that we don't have to worry or talk about or hurt for her anymore. That, obviously, will never happen. But there is so much taboo and discomfort around death in our culture, especially the death of a baby. People already avoid talking about her. A new baby will never replace Simone, but will bring new life, love, and happiness in our home. 

We are cautiously excited, definitely anxious, and trying to take this day by day, hoping for the safe arrival of a healthy, living baby brother or sister this October.