Remembering Simone

I couldn't believe my eyes when I stumbled across this little treasure. Gabriela constantly amazes me with her loving heart, always giving space to her sister and figuring out how to express her love and sadness. 

I am so proud of my Gabriela for honoring her sister and for honoring her own feelings too. 

Homeschool Fun

This week the kids went to an owl presentation at the library. 

They got to see some real owls, learn about what makes them special, and they even got to see them poop, which is fascinating for my crew. 

Gabriela sat with her friends and answered some questions about owls. 

She is adoring her chess class. I stayed for a few minutes and that girl is a regular Hermione Granger. She raises her hand frantically for every question asked, just dying to be chosen to share the answer, and totally crushed when she isn't chosen. And she regularly asks to play chess throughout the week. I am so glad she's enjoying class this much. 

Easton got to draw a picture at Gabriela's art class while we waited a few minutes for class to get started. 

She came home talking about pinch pots and the creations she made for her Woodley family, that's the name she's given her collection of little peg people. 

Gabriela made a fruit cobbler in her cooking class this week, along with some whipped coconut cream. Yum!

Friday was book club before park day. It was their first meeting! The kids all talked about their book (The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe) in detail, and paid attention to the discussion. But first they created a winter scene with snowflakes. The little kids stayed busy with shaving cream and animals frozen into ice statures and at the end, they all sampled Turkish Delight and made crowns. So fun! 

We feel so fortunate to be a part of this homeschool group! The next night, another mama hosted an outdoor movie viewing of an animated version of the film, which we unfortunately missed. 

But the reason we missed was that we were hosting a Fakesgiving dinner. I've had a turkey in my freezer for almost a year now. It was a good deal. I cooked the turkey. lane made mashed potatoes, my brother brought a salad, and my sister brought stuffing, Brussels Sprouts, and green beans. I was instructed to relax and not work hard, but I got fancy and baked a cake and whipped up some cranberry sauce in the end. My dad even joined us. Always happy to have a turkey dinner!

 

Auntie let Gabriela taste a root beer. This girl loves mashed potatoes so much she had two servings at the same time. 

Gabriela and Papa built a balance with he K'nex this weekend. It was fun to see Papa helping Gabriela with her learning and spending that extra quality time together. 

The weekend ended with Lane taking the kids on a Full Moon Hike so they could see the blood super harvest moon and lunar eclipse. 

Baby Grover 4.0, Week 35

Week 35 started with me doing repeated handstands and backwards somersaults in the pool, bouncing up and down in the water, hoping to get this baby to readjust herself into the proper position. I must have looked bonkers. 

Monday was my first set of non-stress testing at the hospital. Gabriela and Easton were really well behaved during that time. Gabriela read to Easton, she held him in her lap, and told him stories. And this baby girl was on her good behavior too. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that she is head down. And hoping she will stay that way!  The technician is the second in one week to comment on the baby's hair. We predicted that this baby would have a full head of hair. Even though Easton was practically bald when he was born, my girls seem to come with their hair all grown in. 

She was responsive to the testing and has plenty of amniotic fluid. I made appointments for every Wednesday and Saturday at the hospital well into the month of October. I'm hoping the rest of this testing goes just as smoothly. 

I was extremely grateful to learn that a mama in my homeschool group has organized meal drop offs for my family leading up to this baby's due date. Tomorrow is the first night we will get a meal brought to us, and I can't say how happily surprised I was to learn this. 

It's been so oppressively hot lately, I can hardly move. That is, when I'm not gone taking Gabriela to classes, taking the kids to appointments, to park day, midwife appointments and hospital testing. My house is a mess and I sometimes can't even think about cooking a meal for my family. 

I read this blog the other day in which a homeschooling mama wrote how she can be a great at homeschooling OR have a fantastically clean house OR have amazing dinner on the table at meal time. I feel her. Right now I'm doing well at homeschool. But meals and tidiness? I don't have energy or time for that, especially in this heat. 

My midwife was very pleased to hear that the baby is head down. Before I even told her about my handstand antics, she advised me to stay away from swimming because that could cause the baby to turn, and we want her to stay head down! 

I've started wrapping my belly to give it some extra support this week, and am getting some extra use from the beautiful baby wraps and slings a friend has lent me. 

Saturday's nonstress test started with the nurse having a little difficulty finding the right position to hear baby's heartbeat. It was probably less than a minute, but I could sense my breathing change and my anxiety going up. There's no way to know exactly where to listen perfectly the first time, but it was still unsettling, considering my experience with Simone. Baby Girl passed her test. Now we wait until Wednesday to see how she's doing again. 

She can see!

I couldn't believe it when we were told Gabriela's glasses might not be ready for two whole weeks, and were pleasantly surprised when we got the call that they were ready so soon. Gabriela was thrilled. She couldn't wait! 

I nearly cried when she tried her glasses on for the first time. She looked all around in every direction, completely mesmerized and in awe of all the details she suddenly saw. She exclaimed how clear everything was and was amazed at how she could actually read signs. Oh my baby, I had no idea she had so much difficulty without those magical lenses. 

The drive home was even more fascinating for her. She was yelling out about every street and freeway sign she saw along the way. The best was when she suddenly announced, "I can read license plates!!!!!"

This girl is so confident and pleased with herself, the details she can finally see in her world, and let's not forget her new look. My heart is so happy to see Gabriela this excited and proud of herself. 

I can finally see!!!

Easton still wants to join the club. 

Baby Grover 4.0, week 34

On Monday we had an ultrasound that confirmed Baby Girl is, indeed, breech. She is measuring at 5lbs, 9oz right now, and we could see her hair on the ultrasound. 

My midwife says it's perfectly within the normal range for baby to not have turned yet, but we want her head down by at least 37 weeks. If she's not head down by then, I will need to make an appointment at the hospital to have her turned. So, until then it is my job to encourage her to turn as much as I can. 

First step: acupuncture. The last time I went to acupuncture was the day before Simone was born, so it was a little scary. I went to a new place and in addition to some needles had some moxabustion. It's basically an herb stick that looks like a stick of incense as wide as a cigar. It's lit and the extremely hot coal is placed just next to the pinky toe. This causes a lot of movement for the baby and with multiple sessions, can encourage her to move. So I left with moxa sticks and instructions to do this at home 30 minutes a day. 

I am also trying every other trick in the book: yoga poses, rebozo shifting, placing frozen veggies on top of my belly, flashlight and warmth at the bottom. It feels like when you're ready for labor to start and you're just willing to try anything to make it happen no matter how crazy it sounds. Except, I am trying to avoid having a c-section. If that is what it takes to have a healthy, living baby, I will do it willingly, but I want to know that it is a last resort and I did everything possible to  have a natural birth. 

And on Wednesday, one of my lovely midwives from Simone's birth, who is also a nurse at the hospital, took me on a walk through of the delivery floor. I hadn't been back since Simone and had no idea how I'd react. I'd also been there for Easton's birth and found it helpful to have memories of that as well. It turned out to be not nearly as emotional as I had imagined. I felt more anxious leading up to being there than actually walking around. 

I wasn't sure if I wanted to go near room 21, where I birthed Simone. But I decided to do it. What if I had to go down that hall when I returned, and wasn't the purpose of this visit to confront my feelings about returning now, rather than in the throes of labor? As we approached, Gabriela remembered. She pointed out the room and announced that was where her sister was born. It's labeled the Isolation Room, and sadly, the door was closed which likely meant someone inside was experiencing a similar horror. 

Thursday night was my first PAL (Pregnancy After Loss) group meeting. I joined this six week group session and I think it's going to be perfect for me. It's a really small group of pregnant women, all of whom have experienced previous loss and who have living children as well. We meet in a yoga studio for stretching, meditation, discussion, journaling, and drawing. 

It's the perfect space for me to pay attention to all these conflicting feeling I have. I don't really feel like I fit in at my SAND meetings any more, and I certainly don't think I fit in with ladies who are gleefully experiencing pregnancy. I slept the best I have in a long time the night after my meeting, and I don't think that was a coincidence. 

Sunday makes 35 weeks. Monday I have my first non-stress test at the hospital and will see if baby is still breech. I might try to get to the pool before then to do some handstands underwater.  That ought to be a sight to see. 

Getting back to homeschool

This week some of Gabriela's classes started up. She wasn't too excited about her chess class, but I wanted her to give it a try. I figured it's a good skill to have and once she was there with her friends, she'd find it interesting. Well, she couldn't stop talking about class when I picked her up and she's been asking Lane and me both to play games with her ever since. Easton is not missing out on this excitement and I think he might be picking up on it too. As Gabriela and I were playing, I captured one of her knights and Easton said, "well, at least you still have one knight, Gabriela!"  He also pointed to the king and said that's the guy we really want to capture. Gabriela started teaching Easton how to play checkers since he's so interested in the board. 

Here's what I saw when I peeked in on class toward the end. G trying to help her friend with her next move. 

Later that afternoon I took Gabriela to her first cooking class of the year. She made Gazpacho. Cooking class is 30 minutes longer this year than last, so we are excited to see what delicious recipes they will be making this year. 

Easton was happy to spend the afternoon playing at the Waldorf school. He was looking forward to playing on the monkey bars, but was surprised to see this instead:

Easton was not disappointed. He also went on the swings, climbed on the stumps, climbed on a rope swing, played in a little house and checked on the chickens. I'm glad he enjoys our time there. I was planning on going to the grocery store during class, but couldn't keep him away from all this fun. 

Next week art class starts. The kids have been doing magnet experiments, building circuits with our snap circuits jr. set, Gabriela interviewed her Nana and Papa about their parents and grandparents, and tonight she went with Lane to the John Muir House for more star gazing and learning about constellations. I feel really good about where we are with homeschooling now, even though it's only been a couple weeks. 

Oh, and this is happening. 

A couple months ago we were in Ikea, and Gabriela casually mentioned that she couldn't really read some words from far away. But we were at IKEA, I told her hardly anyone could read those words - they are Swedish! I didn't realize she was trying to say that she couldn't see the letters that made the words. Bad mama.  

When she mentioned it again, I made her an eye appointment. So Gabriela went from saying nothing to things like, "when you are in the kitchen and I'm in the dining room, it looks like you don't have a mouth". She started telling everyone she was getting glasses. I must admit, I was wondering how much trouble she had seeing, and how much she liked the idea of getting glasses. It turns out this girl can only see things up close, and she needs glasses for everything else. 

I'm so glad she let me know. Now we are anxiously waiting for her glasses to be ready so she can finally see the world clearly. 

I made sure she chose her own glasses; I wanted Gabriela to feel grown up and excited about this process. She has asked if I think her friends will recognize her or if I think she looks better with glasses or without. I hope this is an easy transition for her, and at least for now, she seems to be looking forward to this big change. 

Easton was feeling a little left out, so he tried some frames too

I kind of want to buy those for him.

Baby Grover 4.0, Week 33

This week I visited my midwife who had trouble determining if the baby was breech or not. I am having an ultrasound Monday to confirm. She asked me not to try any exercises yet to encourage a change in position since she's not entirely sure the baby isn't already where she is supposed to be. 

After my appointment, I pulled a pelvic muscle running after a shopping cart easton shoved toward some cars in the parking lot. This was not the best choice on my part, but it happened so quickly, I didn't have time to think. This left me hardly able to walk. Each step I took was incredibly painful, I couldn't lift one leg at all. I was unable to roll over in bed; I couldn't even get into bed on my own that first night. 

After lots of rest, hours at the pool, hot rice packs, and tylenol, I am back to 

my normal levels of discomfort. I was getting worried there for a moment about how I could possibly go into labor starting at this level of pain before even my first contraction. 

I had an awful nightmare this week in which I realized my baby had died. In it, I was screaming, sobbing, voiceless, and then I was trapped. It felt like I was trying so hard to escape my dream, but just couldn't until Lane woke me up. I cried and cried in the middle of the night. The anxiety of this fast approaching birth is starting to get to me.  I decided I need to give myself a break from SAND meetings for now. 

I pre-registered online at the hospital this week, hoping to avoid confusion that led to my insurance not being billed last time, and me receiving $20,000 in bills directly. I also informed them of my experience with Simone's stillbirth there, and requested that they not put me in room 21. 

I've started ordering supplies I will need for recovery from this births and have begun packing my hospital bags. One is an on the go bag for just labor. I packed a stash of my own swaddling and receiving blankets and am hoping to have a few more newborn baby hats to add, because I just can't bear to see this baby wrapped up like Simone was. 

I start my testing next week at the hospital. I will be there twice a week to check the baby's movement and amniotic fluid.  This week my pregnancy after loss group starts meeting and I hope to connect with one of my midwives from Simone's birth to give me a walk through of the delivery floor soon. 

I also have this urge to get our house cleaned up. Things are getting closer. 

A visit to Nana and Papa's

We took our last out of town trip for I don't know how long and went to visit my parents in Los Banos. 

Unfortunately, I didn't take any photos. But the kids played bingo with Nana. She always has awesome prizes for them. Nana played beauty shop with Gabriela. They were both helpers in cleaning up for our visit with my cousin. He and his family just moved to California from Chicago and it was so fun to spend the afternoon and evening with them, playing games, eating good food, checking out the stars, and watching all the kids do a talent show. 

My mom and I played lots of rounds of Quiddler, a new word game we got for Gabriela's homeschooling adventures. It was like scrabble with cards. We approve of this game whole heartedly. 

Lane spent some time in my dad's workshop drafting designs and making a template for some toys he'd like to make out of maple wood. Little forest creatures. I can't wait. 

 

I wanted to get us home early; we had a midwife appointment the following day, zero groceries, and we were planning to drop our van off to be fixed the following morning. 

By some strange miracle, we avoided all traffic traveling home at the end of Labor Day weekend. Everything was going great until we were five miles from home, FIVE miles, and our car got a flat tire. It was on the left side, adjacent to the freeway, the shoulder was skinny, our roadside assistance wasn't going to show up for at least 45 minutes, and our little car shook with every vehicle that whizzed past us. 

So we got out the picnic blanket and set it up away from the car and that dangerous freeway, got the kids sunblocked, sun hats, water, drawing and games, and patiently waited for our help to arrive. 

It was still daylight when we finally got home. I'm so glad the kids were on their best behavior and that we were so close to home when this happened. The guy says our other front tire is on its last leg too. The adventures never end around here. 

You Are The Mother of All Mothers

This book. Every mama grieving the death of her precious baby should read and own a copy of this beautifully designed and written book.

A grieving mama published an essay of hers, with only a few sentences on each page, the perfect amount of text a mama with a heavy grieving heart can take in. She partnered with another grieving mama to design and illustrate the text, making this book an inspiring piece of art. 

We included a copy of You Are The Mother of All Mothers with Simone's hospital donation, but I never had a copy of my own. 

When the author announced a new edition and opportunity to include children's names in a memorial page of her book, I quickly jumped at the chance to have my Simone's name included. 

Now, I have my own copies of this precious book, and look:

There is her name. And I love that Simone's name is right next to another mama's baby from my SAND group.

Gabriela has known this book was coming and immediately asked to see it when our copies arrived. She said all on her own, "it feels really special to see my sister's name in a real, published book and to know thousands of people will read her name". That seven year old of mine just gets it sometimes. She notices and is very upset that some people never talk about her sister, so this is a big deal, not just for me, but for Gabriela too. 

These lovely cards also came along with my books. 

And this one, I can't decide if I should frame it, or carry it around with me. But in either case, I adore it.

It's so important to me to have this. 

Here is a link in case you are interested in reading the whole essay that is included in this book. 

http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/why-you-didnt-fail-as-a-mother/

Mama Easton Date

Gabriela had a play date with one of her friends, and while she was gone I was planning on running errands with Easton. 

As soon as it was time to go, I had a change of heart. I don't have many more chances left at special time with this guy, so off to the steam trains we went. 

Our friend, Adam has been leaving art in all sorts of locations today in the Bay Area, and the steam trains was one of his spots. If you find the art, you get to keep it. So we were on a mission. Easton was thrilled when I suggested we go to the steam trains instead. 

We spotted the art beneath a seat of the train that was already taken. I just let them know I needed to grab something of ours from underneath. Easton was thrilled to find some train art made by Thomas' and James' daddy, Adam. 

And as we were leaving, Easton said how he wished daddy could have been there with us. 

Adios, Summer.

Well, Summer, it's been good. We had many adventures with friends and family alike. We did most things on our summer fun list, even the big ones I wasn't sure we'd get to. 

 We didn't do it all, but for this very pregnant mama, it was a success. Especially the "don't get in trouble by the police" part. The kids are already talking about making a Fall Fun List. I support this idea 100%. 

Here are my munchkins, enjoying their last day of our summer pool membership. I am so glad we decided to join. Easton and Gabriela both improved their swimming skills tremendously.  We spent many days and evenings here, cooling off with friends. 

Now it's time to start a new homeschool routine, start taking Gabriela all over to her new classes, and continue getting ready for this baby. I have SAND meetings, weekly midwife appointments and hospital testing, along with the Pregnancy After Loss group I joined also. And a Star Wars birthday party to plan. Goodness, we will be busy! 

Yosemite Part 4

Gabriela was very serious about becoming a Junior Ranger at Yosemite. We drove up to the Happy Isles Nature Center to catch our guided tour, but just had to stop to take in these wondrous sights. 

The drive was so incredibly beautiful. Lane and the kids explored up the rocks on the other side of this loveliness.

We reached the nature center with just a few minutes to spare before the children's hike. They learned how to use their owl eyes and their bear noses. They learned about super heroes of Yosemite and their special powers (Ponderosa Pines, for example, have special ways that they stay safe during forest fires). They hid pinecones like chickarees and had to see if they could find them at the end of their hike, like a chickaree would do in the winter. And then, it was the moment of swearing in. Here are the kids making their oaths:

Even though Easton didn't raise his right hand, he still got his badge. And boy,  was he proud!

My Junior Rangers then led the way down other paths, explaining things to us that they had learned. And Easton was sure to scold us if we went ahead of the Rangers. 

We had our picnic lunch by the water at Happy Isles. The kids weren't too interested in eating right next to this beautiful body of water. 

I had debated lugging our swimming stuff in the half mile to the hike (and then carrying it all through the hike) just in case we might find a good swimming spot, but decided against it. 

Of course, these guys couldn't wait to get in the water, so we let them go in their undies. Easton was totally naked at first, but then asked me to put his undies back in him because he didn't want to go "swimmy dipping". 

This water was much deeper and cooler than yesterday's.  It was enough for me to just dip my feet in and cool off. Brr!

I watched these loves of mine, their faces brimming with joy, absolutely loving every moment of this adventure, and I couldn't help bursting into tears. Because even the happy moments turn into sad ones. Our family just isn't complete; it won't ever be with our Simone missing. Oh how I missed her in that moment especially, trying to picture her at 16 months and how much she's probably enjoy splashing in the water. 

Finally, we decided it was time to hit the road for our four plus hour ride home.  Gabriela was so sad to leave Yosemite. I was just glad we got our act together and actually went out on this adventure. Usually we don't make trips this far away just for a two day weekend, but it was so worth it. (Even if I am a little tired and sore today. Hey, that's what happens when you go at 32 weeks pregnant with your fourth baby.)

We stopped to check out some other mountains along the drive home. So beautiful. 

And that's how we ended our summer. I am pleased with our short and sweet, go easy on the pregnant lady Yosemite weekend. I hope the kids remember this trip and all the sights we saw. Definitely the highlight of our summer fun!