So this is real

On Wednesday we received the call that Simone's  ashes were ready and waiting for us. 

The four of us got into the car and drove all of 0.1 miles to the funeral home. I intended to just go inside alone, but Gabriela really wanted to come with me, so our whole family went inside. Gabriela asked what happened the last time we were here, and then to see her sister's ashes. So we opened up the tiny, pink, heart shaped box to show her. 

We got back into our car and all I could do was cry. This was not how we were supposed to bring our newborn baby Simone home. Not at all. I remember holding my baby and this was what was left of her? And suddenly, these almost two weeks seemed so much more real and raw. Sometimes I honestly have trouble with the fact that I really was pregnant when I don't have a baby at my side. As much as I wish it wasn't, this is my reality. Our dear daughter didn't live. We don't get to see her grow, develop and learn, smile, or laugh with us. I regret not taking more time to document my pregnancy on this blog because really, we don't have much more to remember of her short life. She was so active all the time. Would she have known Gabriela's voice? After all that belly singing, how could she not? 

When we got home, Gabriela asked me to take down all the sympathy cards and read them aloud to her. I couldn't do it without crying today. I think it's good for her to know that this is sad and it's okay to give yourself permission to feel these feelings. 

On Wednesday, Gabriela came up to me and kissed my cheek. "I'm sorry your baby died," she said out of nowhere and hugged me. And, just as quickly as she came, she pranced away to play.

Later that afternoon, while one of our dear midwives was visiting us, Easton woke up from his nap. I wasn't even crying at the time, but he told her completely unprompted, "mommy sad she died. I give her great big hugs." I think he understands more than we realize. 

I can't even imagine how dark and hopeless we might feel if we weren't surrounded by these beautiful, spunky, and truly perfect children of ours. We are so thankful for our Gabriela and Easton and the strength they continue to give us as we honor, love, and grieve the memory of their baby sister, Simone.