These last few days

What's been extra hard these past few days is watching Gabriela try to navigate through her feelings about her baby sister's death.  Before Simone was born, all Gabriela talked about was her sister's arrival. She picked out clothes for Simone, wrote about her in her journal, drew pictures of her, read stories to my belly, sang to Simone every day so she would recognize her big sister's voice after she was born.  Every night when we got ready for bed, Gabriela asked if her sister would be born, and begged us to wake her so she could be there for the birth.  She was supposed to cut the umbilical cord, and was very proud to have agreed to this job. This loss is just so impossible for Lane and me to understand as adults, I can't begin to imagine how it must feel for Gabriela.

She doesn't want to talk about it.  Or, she will just say she's mad that Simone died.  She doesn't want to hear us talk about it, either.  It's so hard because I don't want to overdo it, smother her in Simone-ness, but I don't want to pretend this didn't happen to our family either. It must be heartbreaking and scary to see her parents so upset. We rarely ever cry and are usually very happy people.  Her whole world just turned completely upside down.  Poor baby girl.

Gabriela asked if she could accompany us to the funeral home the other day. I told her it would not be fun, and would be very sad.  She just asked if she would be able to see her baby sister again if she went. When I told her she wouldn't, she immediately said she wasn't interested anymore.  She asks why Simone died a lot, even has said it's Simone's fault.  I notice a difference in the way that she talks to me, and can't help but feel like she blames me and is angry with me for her baby sister's death and this tears me apart. Lane and I don't feel angry about what happened, at least not right now, but Gabriela certainly does.  I know this is normal, but it's still difficult to watch.

I know it's just the beginning, and have gotten some books, both for her directly, and also for us to help her through this.  I have felt ready to talk to her about a lot of things in life, but handling the death of her baby sister is something I never, ever have given any consideration to and now suddenly, it has to be my main concern.

It has been helpful to distract her with visits from cousins, playdates with friends, and fun family time. Just as much as we do, she needs to be surrounded by people who love her. During those times, she is so smiley and full of laughter that we all need to see. 
Easton, on the other hand, doesn't really understand what happened.  We have talked to him a little about how his Baby Sister isn't in mommy's tummy anymore, and how we are sad that she isn't here with us.  He says sweet things like, "Why tears are dropping down, Mommy?" "Baby sister came out. I saw pictures" And, he is incredibly aware of when we are feeling especially upset.  Easton immediately throws down his toys, or whatever he is busy with to give us these gigantic tight hugs and kisses.  It is just what we need.

This is going to be a long road for all of us, a balancing act between finding out what we need and what our children need, how to help them understand and cope, when we aren't quite sure how to do it for ourselves.  Thank goodness for the wonderful family and friends surrounding us.  We feel all your love and it is a great comfort to us.