Some Progress

Just tonight, I was shocked to come into our living room and find Gabriela trying to read all our sympathy cards to herself. She brought some to me that were written in cursive and asked me to read them to her. I never would have been able to read such heartfelt touching words aloud without breaking down if I were reading them to anyone else, but I needed to be strong for my baby girl and I did it. 

She put each card away as she finished and then she brought over Simone's tiny hand and footprint molds. Gabriela asked me to tell her how we made the prints and I told her every detail I could remember. We examined the prints, the lines in Simone's hands, her tiny toes, we remembered her long fingernails. 

And then Gabriela brought me the box from the hospital. It has all the photos the hospital took inside. Gabriela looked carefully at each one. She held the hat that Nana crocheted for Simone. She asked me to tell her the story of how we got the wisps of Simone's long baby hair, she asked who made the crib card with Simone's footprints and how. 

A little later, I noticed Gabriela reading our booklet from the hospital called When Hello Means Goodbye. I asked her if she wanted help and we looked at it together. We read the story of another mama who experienced stillbirth. She talked about wanting to walk away from her pain and sadness and we talked about how Gabriela and I had a lot of the same feelings she did, how this woman went through the same experience as her mommy and daddy. 

Gabriela asked me who cried at the hospital, mentioned that she never saw so many grown ups cry, and that Daddy is the saddest. It was a good opportunity to explain that letting ourselves feel this sadness is normal and will help us all to feel better over time. We told her how much we love her and that she is safe and nobody did anything to make this happen. 

Gabriela finally gave herself permission to be sad. And Easton, knowing his new job, came right up to his big sister to hug and  kiss her. She was angry that he didn't realize he would never know his baby sister. We will tell him all about it when he gets older, I said. 

She held him in her arms and, in a sweet big sister voice, asked if he knew what happened. She told him calmly and tenderly that baby sister died. Being two years old, Easton asked why. And she explained there was a problem with the umbilical cord, and then told him what that was. 

Lane and I told her it's okay not to feel sad all the time, and shared moments where we have felt happy in the last week. Of course, they all involved seeing our kids laughing, and being together as a family. 

That night, Gabriela cuddled with me and I felt like she gave me permission to come back into her world. This and seeing her open herself up to experiencing her grief gave me so much relief. It is the best and most hopeful I have felt since Simone's death. We are all  taking baby steps forward.